I still have not joined the Illuminati. Can you believe it? I’m beginning to despair that I ever will. These world dominating secret societies are a hard nut to crack especially if you don’t know where they hang out. It could be anywhere but according to some it is Bohemian Grove in California. At least they have a party there once a year. I figure if there are internet sites devoted to it they are not the real Illuminati. The real Illuminati are way to clever for that. I bet they have their meeting in the house of a guy who is trying to sneak into Bohemian Grove. The crasher sneaks off to California and the Illuminati raid his fridge, dip his toothbrush in the toilet and have a good laugh at the crasher’s expense. That’s how I’d do it.

I know what I need. Some positive visualization. When I close my eyes I have to picture myself as a member of the Illuminati. I see myself at a country estate, no, scratch that, I’m in a sky scraper somewhere in Manhattan. I’m in a large room with no windows because we don’t want anyone looking in. The room is furnished with a bunch of antiques and no modern equipment because this is the room where my fellow Illuminati members and I decide the fate of millions and we do it old school. No phones, no faxes and no pesky listening devices to blow our cover. I bet we even have an EMP generator to foil all electronics. I think there would be secret entrances and exits to the building so no one would be able to tell who we are. Not just dark tinted limos but secret tunnels.

Only men would be in the room because who has ever heard of a coed secret society? Someone would shoot their mouth of if there was a divorce. I can hear it now, “What do you mean you get to keep the secret society? I went way more often so I get to keep it”. That would only end with one party spilling the beans out of spite, “Now neither of us has a secret society. So there.” The only kind of coed secret society has to be a sex club รก la “Eyes Wide Shut”. I’m sure as a member of the Illuminati I wouldn’t need to join a sex club because I could just snap my fingers and have women sent up to my hotel room. The Illuminati must spend a lot of time in fancy hotels. I’m not sure why but I think ruling the world involves a fair bit of traveling. Only one or two Illuminati would stay home all the time and rule from home base. I’d be hands on. You have to travel the world to rule it. I’d stay in only the best hotels where only the best concierges would tend to my every want. I wouldn’t really trust them, of course. We Illuminati know the difference between insiders and outsiders.

If I joined the Illuminati, pardon me, when I join the Illuminati (positive visualization) I’ll probably learn to smoke cigars too. A real secret society atmosphere is created by cigar smoke. If I entered some random room and it smelled of cigars, the good kind not the stinky kind, I’d wonder what kind of meeting went on in there. Of course no stranger would wander by our meeting room ever because it would be reserved just for our meetings. So you will never know that I learned to smoke cigars.

I’m sure that ruling the world through a secret society won’t be easy. All of us world rulers have massive egos and maybe some competing interests so there will be arguments and passions should run high. But we would have to settle things peacefully because we can’t afford unwanted attention. Ruling the world is tricky business. Hmmm, it sound kind of like organized crime. But we would be above the law and technically not criminals. Nice.

I don’t know if any of the Illuminati would ever read this because I don’t imagine any of them ever go onto the internet. Why would they? They are all super rich and have their every need handled by a staff of hundreds. I wouldn’t go on the internet. I’d just nod my head and things would happen. I wouldn’t have to look anything up because I would know everything: who shot JFK, where the aliens landed, what happened to the perpetual motion machine and why the New York Jets always lose.

There would have to be a sense of history among the Illuminati. A sense of, “we’ve done this before and we’ll be doing this forever”. Elders would pass down information to the younger guys they are mentoring keeping alive the old victories to inspire new ones. It would all seem so congenial and comforting emphasizing that we all belong to something bigger. Well, not you all, just me and my Illuminati buddies. You all would just be puppets dancing on our strings. If we payed attention to you at all. Bwwa-ha-ha-ha-ha.